Resilience and Flexibility in Life, Love, and Money

The challenges and trials we face reveal our true character and uncover the hidden depths of our souls. Ever noticed when a difficult situation arises it seems that you're dealing with a completely different person or that you yourself are completely the opposite of who you thought you were?

Nothing can protect us from falling in the face of these tests except faith in God. A believer remains steadfast in heart and guarded in speech when faced with adversity. They bend with the winds of tribulation, facing hardship one moment and ease the next. These test could be on anything really; our own selves, wealth, or health.

“The Believer is like a Supple Plant”

In a few concise words, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) presents a profound analogy that conveys deep meaning. In a hadith narrated by Abu Hurairah (may God be pleased with him) and collected by al-Bukhari, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "The example of the believer is like a tender plant from a crop, which is swayed by the wind. Sometimes it bends, and other times it stands upright, and then it is blown by trials again. The disbeliever, on the other hand, is like a staunch cedar tree, unyielding until God uproots it in one fell swoop, whenever He wills."

In another narration collected by Muslim from Ka'b bin Malik, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "The believer is like a tender plant from a crop, swayed by the wind, sometimes knocked down, and other times standing upright, until it dries up. The disbeliever is like a solid cedar tree, unaffected by anything until it is uprooted all at once."

These analogies beautifully illustrate the concept of psychological flexibility in the face of life's inevitable ups and downs. The believer, like the flexible plant, is resilient and adaptable. They may be bent low by adversity but never broken. Their faith gives them the suppleness to weather any storm, always turning back towards God.

The disbeliever or hypocrite, like the rigid tree, may appear strong and stable in good times. But when the winds of change blow, they are unable to bend and adapt. They are uprooted and destroyed by the very adversity that purifies and elevates the believer.

Psychological Flexibility in Life and Relationships

In our relationships, whether personal or professional, this same principle applies. Those who can flexibly turn towards the "bids" of others with empathy and openness are able to build deep, resilient connections. But those who rigidly turn away or against others' needs will find their relationships uprooted by conflict.

The idea of psychological flexibility found in this analogy bears resemblance to the research of renowned psychologist John Gottman. Gottman's work on personal relationships highlights how the ability to "turn towards" bids for emotional connection is crucial for building trust and intimacy in couples. Similarly, his research has been extended by some to business partnerships, where being open and responsive to other's needs in a professional setting fosters collaboration and shared success.

Gottman found that partners who consistently turned towards each other's bids for attention, affection, or support were much more likely to have lasting, satisfying relationships. Conversely, when partners routinely "turned away" from bids or reacted with hostility, the relationship suffered. This parallels the Hadith's imagery of the plant that bends with the wind, versus the rigid tree that breaks in a storm. Psychological flexibility allows us to "turn towards" life's challenges and the needs of others with openness and resilience.

In the business world, this same dynamic plays out. When partners, employees, and leaders are able to flexibly attune to each other's concerns and ideas, it creates an environment of psychological safety and innovation. Google's Project Aristotle, which studied the factors contributing to successful teams, found that the top predictor was the team members feeling safe to take risks and be vulnerable with each other. This requires the flexibility to listen, empathize, and accommodate diverse viewpoints.

Cultivating Psychological Flexibility

Just as the Hadith emphasizes the believer's consistency and flexibility in dealing with what life throws at them, Gottman highlights the importance of continual "small moments" of connection in relationships. It's not about grand gestures, but regularly showing up for each other. While no relationship will be perfect, it doesn't have to be. How you react to the ups and downs of the relationship is what matters. In business, sustainable partnerships are built on a steady foundation of mutual understanding, not just one-time negotiations.

This flexibility extends to our personal financial lives as well. Many people "turn away" from their finances out of fear or rigidity. But just as Gottman encourages couples to openly discuss their emotions, healthy financial planning requires facing our money anxieties with curiosity and adaptability. This could mean adjusting spending, seeking new income streams, or redefining our material values.

Cultivating psychological flexibility is an ongoing spiritual practice, in our relationship with the divine and with worldly matters. The Hadith reminds us that even prophets and believers experienced trials. What matters is how we flexibly respond - with acceptance, resilience, and renewed commitment to what matters most. Whether we're navigating conflict with a spouse, a business crisis, or an economic setback, this flexibility empowers us to not just survive, but thrive, together.

A Framework for Recognizing and Responding to Bids

Following is a bulleted framework for you to better understand how to successfully apply recognizing and responding to bits versus unsuccessfully doing so.

1. Identifying a Bid:

 - A bid is any attempt to connect emotionally, gain attention, or seek support from another person.

 - Bids can be verbal (e.g., asking a question, sharing a story) or nonverbal (e.g., a smile, a touch).

 - Bids can occur in any context - with a romantic partner, friend, family member, or business colleague, even with yourself.

2. Responding to a Bid Favorably (Turning Towards):

 - Give your full attention to the person making the bid.

 - Show genuine interest in what they're saying or expressing.

 - Offer empathy, understanding, and validation of their feelings.

 - Provide support, assistance, or encouragement as appropriate.

 - Share your own thoughts and feelings in a way that deepens the connection.

3. Responding to a Bid Unfavorably:

 a. Turning Away:

 - Ignoring or not noticing the bid.

 - Giving a brief or distracted response.

 - Changing the subject or redirecting the conversation.

 - Disengaging or withdrawing from the interaction.

 b. Turning Against a bid looks like the following:

 - Responding with criticism, sarcasm, or hostility.

 - Belittling or invalidating the other person's feelings.

 - Becoming defensive or argumentative.

 - Escalating conflict or tension.

4. Next Steps After Responding to a Bid:

 a. If you Turned Towards:

 - Build on the moment of connection by asking follow-up questions or sharing more of your own perspective.

 - Look for opportunities to extend the interaction or plan future shared activities.

 - Express appreciation for the other person's willingness to be vulnerable and connect.

 - In a business setting, use the enhanced rapport to collaborate more effectively on shared goals.

 b. If you Turned Away or Against:

 - Reflect on why you responded unfavorably. Were you stressed, distracted, or triggered by something?

 - Consider how your response might have impacted the other person and the relationship.

 - Look for an opportunity to revisit the conversation and repair the disconnection.

 - Apologize if your response was hurtful, and express your commitment to being more attentive in the future.

 - In a professional context, schedule a meeting to reconnect and realign on shared objectives.

5. Proactively Making Bids:

 - Look for opportunities to initiate bids for connection with others.

 - Share something personal about your thoughts, feelings, or experiences.

 - Ask others questions about their lives and perspectives, and listen attentively to their responses.

 - Offer specific invitations to spend time together or collaborate on a project.

 - Express gratitude, admiration, or affection.

Remember, every interaction contains an opportunity to either strengthen or weaken a relationship, whether its with your spouse, your co-worker, your business partners, or even your own self. By consciously looking for and responding to bids, you can cultivate the psychological flexibility needed to build thriving partnerships in all areas of life.