Salam Alaikum,
Alone in Ramadan with My Thoughts
Alone in Ramadan with My Thoughts
As we enter the last ten nights of Ramadan, I’ve decided I’ll share some person reflections. As these nights rolled in, I’ve been overwhelmed with a sense of disappointment. Not that I have much to be disappointed about in life. I have a good life, Al-Hamdulillah. But being honest with myself, this is how I feel. An inconspicuous amount of distress has overtaken me. As I think through what in my life is causing these feelings, I first do the regular; I think about other people, their problems, and all the normal projections that come along with such thoughts. Someone else HAS to be to blame.
But that’s not it.
How do I know that’s not it? Because for the most part, I am alone in Ramadan. While I do have family and friends I am around, it is not as if I am interacting with others a lot or even most of the time. But the little that I do mix with others, I feel a great sense of gratitude for the many good things that others do. I also feel a great sense of dismay from the incapacity we find ourselves in as an Umma.
But those things that I find in others, I then think deeply about myself and find them in myself as well, perhaps even more so.
It can be easy to blame others for our lost opportunities, for our inabilities, for our personal disposition. One thing that fasting does is lift a number of veils from our eyes. If others are oppressive, yet I am not with them, am I really oppressed? If I am, how can they be the cause when I am by myself? If others have bad character, and my reaction is to reciprocate, then am I reflecting them or are they reflecting me?
After all, the “believer is the mirror of the believer” as is mentioned in the hadith. It can make projection all that much easier, or push us further to greater introspection about what really is the root cause.
In al-Iḥyā’, Imam al-Ghazali when reflecting on people’s lack of interest in advising others sincerely says and why being around others is not always a good thing says,
“It seems that for people like us, the situation has reached a point where the most despised individuals are those who advise us and point out our faults. This nearly amounts to a clear indication of weak faith. Bad manners are like venomous snakes and stinging scorpions. If someone were to alert us that there was a scorpion under our clothes, we would be deeply grateful to them, rejoice in their warning, and immediately focus on removing, distancing, and killing the scorpion. Its harm to the body and pain may last a day or less. However, the damage caused by vile character traits affects the very core of the heart, and I fear it may persist indefinitely after death, for thousands of years. Yet, we do not rejoice in those who alert us to these faults, nor do we busy ourselves with removing them. Instead, we respond to the advisor with accusations of our own, saying, "And you! You too are doing such and such." Our hostility towards them distracts us from benefiting from their advice. It seems that this may stem from the hardness of heart that results from an abundance of sins, and the root of all of this is weak faith.”
So If I find people disappointing, inspiring, annoying, encouraging all at once, then in reality, these are simply reflections of my own spiritual state. My inability to show gratitude or introspection should be a clear indication I have a lot of “heart work” to do.
And because I am a firm believer in Allah’s divine decree, and that all that happens in life is for a reason, then what divine decrees have been made to bring me to this state? What heavenly declarations have been dictated to awake me from this slumber?
It brings to mind an narration from Ibn Mas‘ūd in al-Dhahabi’s book “al-‘Uluww”, a midsized tome specifically about Allah’s ascendancy above his creation, as well as al-Dārimi’s refutation of the Jahmiyya, and al-Lālakā’ī’s collection on the beliefs of Ahl al-Sunnah. Abdullah ibn Mas‘ūd said,
“Indeed a person may intend to do some form of trade or pursue some form of leadership to the point that this becomes easy for him. At this point Allah looks at him from above the seven heavens and says to His angels: 'Turn him away from this, because if I make this easy for him, I’d enter him into the Hellfire.' So the angel turns him away from it, and the man remains perplexed, thinking: 'So-and-so beat me to it!.' But it is none other than Allah’s favor on him.”
So if this is the situation for someone who is actively seeking trade, position, wealth, or status, then what about a person who is seeking none of that, at least at this time in the last ten nights? Where do the feelings of disappointment come from?
According to a hadith narrated by Al-Tabarani in his Mu‘jam, as well as partially by al-Bazzār in his Musnad, and al-Bayhaqi in al-Asmā’, that Allah says:
"Among My servants, there are some whose faith is only sound in poverty. If I were to make them wealthy, it would lead them astray. And there are others whose faith is only proper in affluence. If I were to make them poor, it would corrupt them. Some of My servants' faith is only right when they are healthy. If I were to make them ill, it would ruin their faith. And for others, their faith is only sound in sickness. If I were to restore their health, it would lead them away from Me. There are also those among My servants who seek a certain form of worship, but I prevent them from it, lest they become self-righteous. I guide My servants based on My knowledge of their hearts. Indeed, I am All-Knowing and All-Aware."
While this narration is weak, it leaves a few questions for us to ponder over. Is there any among us that doubts that Allah knows what is in the depths of our hearts?
“I guide My servants based on My knowledge of their hearts.”
What is Allah showing me when I feel this way? When all material and otherworldly means to influence my heart have been cut off? What is in my heart?
Allah says,
“Indeed WE have created man, and WE know what his own soul whispers to him; and WE are closer to him than his jugular vein.” (Surat Qaaf)
Being alone in Ramadan is one of those times that we make a choice about who our companions are. We don’t have family to project onto. We don’t have friends to blame for their undue influence. We don’t have Satan to cast censure on for his whispers. We have the hard decision of being alone with our thoughts and following them or being alone with Allah and following Him.
Whose company will I keep?
Whose guidance will drive me?
My deepest thoughts and most entrenched emotions?
Or the guidance of the One that said “I am near”?
Perhaps this is why ‘Itikāf is so important in Ramadan, and why the reward of Laylat al-Qadr is so immense. Imagine gaining a lifetime of worship for one night of devotion and contemplation, where the “I” and “Me” become subservient to “Him”.
It’s an uncomfortable conversation to have with oneself, but one that I find myself compelled to lately.
May each of you be from those emancipated from the Hellfire this Ramadan.
Ameen
PS – If you are looking for opportunities to give in these last Ten Nights, see this link: https://linktr.ee/joebradford
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